It’s Hard Out There for a Blimp

If you think the heavyweight division of boxing is struggling to find an identity and maintain relevance in the world of sports, stop and consider the plight of the heavyweight college football coach. Over the past couple of seasons, these jolly old souls endeared themselves to us with their facial contortions and jiggly belly gyrations. But now, sadly, many of these portly gentlemen have fallen on hard times.

2006 and 2007 will long be viewed as the pinnacle for the OBCs. No, not the Old Ball Coach Steve Spurrier, but a secret union of former Christmas Parade Santas known as the Overweight Ball Coaches. For two magical seasons, hypertension and blood sugar be damned, these hefty heroes captivated our minds the same way this morning’s Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s captivated theirs.

The collective accomplishments of the OBC over those two glorious seasons are impressive. In 2006, Ralph “The Fridge” Friedgen led the Maryland Terrapins to a 9-4 record and a victory in the Champs Sports Bowl. That same season, Charlie “Decided Schematic Advantage” Weis led Notre Dame to 10-3 record and a Sugar Bowl bid.

Then, last season, in the legendary basketball town of Lawrence, KS, Mark “Mega Man” Mangino led the long-irrelevant Jayhawks to national prominence and a victory in the Orange Bowl. And, in our own SEC, two OBC members enjoyed their own shining moments. Phil “The Great Punkin” Fulmer led Tennessee to a 10-4 record, an SEC East Championship, and a victory in the Outback Bowl. Meanwhile, in the SEC West, Sylvester “The Walrus” Croom guided Mississippi State to an 8-5 record and a Liberty Bowl Victory. Goo goo g’joob indeed.

Unfortunately, in 2008, the OBC has fallen on its hardest times since the Twinkie shortage of 1985 (and I think we all remember how that turned out). Both Fulmer and Croom were unceremoniously shown the door after lackluster 2008 seasons. Kansas slipped back to mediocrity this year at 7-5. Maryland has yet to reach those heights again. And the struggles of poor, pitiful Charlie Weis have been well documented. Although it’s not his fault at all (Damn you Ty Willingham!), Weis was fortunate to maintain his job after consecutive mediocre seasons.

So please, this month, while you’re celebrating the religious holiday of your choice, pause for a minute to reflect on the ill fates of the fallen members of the OBC. Its members are people too, just bigger. And rounder. And they probably breathe through their mouth. But they are people and they need your thoughts and positive energy in these trying times.

An Open Letter to Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick

Dear Mr. Swarbrick,

I do not envy you. You're going to be under an intense national spotlight over the next several days as you decide whether or not to continue the contract of offensive genius Charlie Weis. You're going to hear a lot of people imploring to cut your losses now, pay his ridiculous buyout, and move on to perhaps a "real" college coach.

But please, no matter many stats you look at or how many boosters threaten to pull funds - don't fire Charlie Weis.

This is the man that led Notre Dame back to glory. Remember? There's even a book about it. Think of all the good times that Coach Weis has brought. Remember when he almost beat USC in 2005? I know USC has outscored the Irish by 93 the last 3 years, but like I said, remember the good times. The Irish earned all 4 first downs they made last night.

And who can forget the happy faces of the cadets last year when Navy snapped its 43-game losing streak to the Irish last year? And while Coach Weis designed the 120th ranked offense in the country last year, this year, he used his decided schematic advantage to move the Irish all the way up to top 80 this year. Forget his dismal record against teams with winning records. With the joke of a schedule the Irish play every year, that's hardly an obstacle to bowl eligibility.

The simple fact of the matter is that Notre Dame deserves a coach like Charlie Weis. He's brash, arrogant, and hasn't accomplished much of anything lately, just like the Irish. I know he's failed to endear himself to several key university figures and alumni. I know he has yet to accomplish anything with his own players. I know the Irish lost to a 9-loss team this year for the first time in school history. Simply put Charlie Weis is the man to lead Notre Dame back to glory again. He's done it once, and now the program is worse off than it was before he was hired. He'll do it again.

And even if he doesn't, the rest of the country - including myself - will enjoy watching the failure every week on NBC. So please, when you're considering the overwhelming mountain of evidence that suggests Charlie Weis has no clue what he's doing, ignore it all. In uncertain economic times such as these, this country needs all the sources of joy it can get. Watching the Irish embarrass themselves on national television week after week is certainly a good place to start.

Thanks for your time today and I look forward to watching more terrible Notre Dame teams in the future.

- TDG

'Dores, Rebs Going Bowling

Doormats no more.

Congratulations to Vandy and Ole Miss for locking up bowl bids yesterday. It's been a while for both schools, well a LONG while for VU. The 'Dores knocked off a tough UK team in Lexington last night while the Rebs throttled a hapless UL-Monroe team. I doubted whether or not Bobby Johnson could get VU over the hump after their recent skid, but they had a great gameplan last night and ran it well.

Just a bad all around weekend for UK fans as the feeling of deja vu in Rupp must have been rampant as the 'Cats fell to VMI to open the season.

No congratulations will be offered though to Fat Charlie and his pathetic Irish for wrapping up bowl eligibility. With the soft schedule the Irish play nearly every year, they should be bowl eligible. Here's to knocking back a few cold ones while Florida State beats the Irish by 4 TDs in the Gator Bowl.

A Decided Schematic Advantage

It’s been a while since I ranted a bit about Fat Charlie and his Pathetic Irish, but after reading Senator Blutarsky's take on this, I figured it was time to pull one together. The one sentence that should incent any college football fan is this:

If Notre Dame beats Navy and Syracuse and loses, as expected, to USC on the road, the Irish will finish 7-5. That should be good enough for them to earn an invitation to the Cotton Bowl, Gator Bowl or Sun Bowl…

First of all, no way the Cotton Bowl selects a 7-5 Notre Dame team over LSU or Ole Miss or any other SEC team. The point is most likely moot as the Gator Bowl would surely jump at the chance to bring Fat Charlie to Jacksonville.

Secondly, I just don't get why people are still obsessed with Notre Dame. They haven’t won a bowl game since 1993. They haven’t been competitive in a bowl game since 1998. They're a whopping 5-4 this season playing almost exclusively with the players Weis has brought in, though I'm sure it's somehow still Tyrone Willingham's fault the Irish suck again this season. Despite all that, the Irish are on TV every weekend, and actually have special exceptions written into some bowl contracts, including the BCS games.

In his tenure at Notre Dame, he has exactly one win that you can look back and point at and say, “Nice win there coach” and that’s the 41-17 beatdown of Penn State in 2006 when the Nittany Lions finished 9-4. Other than a win over a 7-5 Michigan in 2005, there’s hardly a win worth mentioning. To put a little more perspective on it, Pat Forde has this to say in his latest Forde Yard Dash:

After once again playing piñata for mighty Boston College, Weis is now 1-16 in his past 17 games against teams that finished the season .500 or better -- or, in the case of 2008 opponents, currently are .500 or better. That lone point of pride in those 17 games: a seven-point win last month over Stanford, which presently is 5-5 but easily could end up 5-7 and wipe that victory off the books.

Greg Couch of the Chicago Sun-Times references that same PSU victory in 2006 as Weis' only accomplishment at Notre Dame and also offers these gems:

...the most-hyped coach in college football history has been one big failure. Never has so much hope and hype been built from hot air. But when you sell yourself on spec, as Weis did, sooner or later, the finished product comes in.

Under Weis, Notre Dame has never beaten a good team.

In the Sagarin computer national rankings, Notre Dame is ranked behind James Madison.

Let’s take a closer look at Notre Dame’s offensive numbers from last year, the 3rd year that the Fighting Irish had their Decided Schematic Advantage over everyone they played:

2007 Notre Dame:
Scoring Offense: 16.4 ppg
Total Offense: 242.3 ypg
Passing Offense: 167.0 ypg
Rushing Yards: 75.25 ypg

For those of you struggling to grasp how pathetic those numbers, here’s how they compare to the 2008 Tennessee team:

2008 Tennessee:
Scoring Offense: 16.0 ppg
Total Offense: 267.1 ypg
Passing Offense: 162.8 ypg
Rushing Yards: 104.3 ypg

So, the offensive genius designed an offense that managed 25 less yards per game than the Vols are averaging this year. The Irish aerial attack last year did manage to put up nearly 5 more passing yards per game than the current Jonathan Crompton/Nick Stephens debacle in Knoxville this season. And the Vols are doing this against (mostly) SEC defenses, while the Irish played the Service Academies and mid-tier Big 10 teams.

***Update: Another stellar column from Jason Whitlock***

For those of you who are interested in joining the millions of "Huge Notre Dame Fans" out there, please refer to the following flow chart:

20 Most Valuable College Football Programs

In case you need yet another reason that the SEC is the greatest conference in all the land, check out this article in Forbes which ranks the 20 Most Valuable College Football Teams in the country. Their rankings are based what the football programs contribute to four important beneficiaries:

* Their university (the value of contributions from football to the institution for academic purposes, including scholarship payments for football players)
* Their athletic department (the net profit generated by the football program ultimately retained by the department)
* Their conference (the distribution of bowl game revenue)
* Their local communities with a vested interest in the team (incremental spending in the county during home-game weekends)

Not surprisingly, the SEC has 8 of the top 20 teams, including:
#3 Georgia ($90M)
#5 Florida ($85M)
#6 LSU ($76M)
#7 Tennessee ($74M)
#8 Auburn ($73M)
#9 Alabama ($72M)
#12 South Carolina ($69M)
#15 Arkansas ($53M)

Somehow, Fat Charlie the Fraud and his pathetic Irish top this list. The Big 10+1 is 2nd behind the SEC with 5, the Big 12 has 4, and the Pac-10 places 2.

Jimmy Clausen for Heisman

I know it's not SEC-related, but Notre Dame is now officially half way to their 0-8 start to the season, which to me is the feel good story of the year. I wanted to share the following video with you, as it proves two very important points.

A) Charlie Weis is not the offensive genius that everyone wants to think he is. The Irish have been brutally unprepared in all four of their games this year, and that's a reflection of Fat Charlie.
B) Anything - and I mean anything - is funny when set to that music from Benny Hill...

Poll Results

59 people voted in the poll asking about the two biggest conference games today - Tennessee @ Florida and Arkansas @ Alabama. Florida and Arkansas were landslide winners in the poll, with the Gators getting 85% of the vote and the Hogs taking in 69% themselves. Both should be great games today and have major impacts on the final standings.

On a side note, it really is a shame that Michigan is going to pick up its first victory of the season today. After listening to Lloyd Carr (and other pundits) assert that the Wolverines should have played for a national title last year, despite not even winning their own conference, I'm really enjoying the squirming in Ann Arbor.

The only silver lining to the whole thing is that Fat Charlie and Notre Dame will drop to 0-3, and still be 6 weeks away from their first victory. With a rotund belly trumped only by the size of his ego, the $30-$40M man Notre Dame bet the farm on has no significant victories in his 2+ years at the helm in South Bend, unless you count a 5-loss Michigan team two seasons ago. The offensive "genius" has masterminded 2 games in which they have yet to score an offensive touchdown. They really have become Stanford with a TV contract.



Meanwhile, out west, Tyrone Willingham is smiling...